Blood and Cuts, Kitchen War Stories

All employees of a professional kitchen know that eventually, and sometimes often, you will need stitches or a trip to the ER for a serious burn. After a while, only the most serious of injuries even register. In fact, co-workers will look down their noses at you if you leave service for anything you could possibly tough out the night with. The fact that working in a 500 degree oven hurts like a mother with burns on your hands, or juicing citrus makes you want your mama after a nasty knife cut, is of no consequence. Lifers in the business learn to ignore the discomfort. Its just industry standard. If you think this is insane, don't go into cooking as a profession. I have worked with all of the afore mentioned afflictions. You do in fact, get numb to the discomfort.

Despite the cavalier attitude about gaping knife wounds and blistering steam burns, everyone knows when someone really needs to be brought to a doctor. There is an odd reverence for these select few. Here are some of my most memorable. Bon Appetite!

Would you like Lemon with that?

In my first Sous Chef position, I worked with a kid who smoked more pot than the average person could afford. Despite his inclination towards temporary confusion and bouts of unrivaled stupidity, he always showed up. This won him a permanent spot in the salad station, a.k.a. the "salad bitch".

One night, Kevin cut his index finger pretty bad. It was Sunday crew, just three people, and if he wasn't dying, he wasn't leaving. I taped up his cut, wrapped it in gauze, put a glove on it, and taped that on his wrist. Pretty standard. Unfortunately, he cut himself again and the first cut, which was more severe than the second, began to gush out of the glove. By now, we are really busy. After another round of bandages and gloves in the middle of the rush, a pale white patron comes up to the food window and asks for the chef or manager. Great! Now what? Apparently Kevin's bloody bandage had slipped into her lobster only to be removed from her mouth halfway through dinner. "Ummm, would you like something different.?" There are some mistakes you cannot fix.

Supercharged

While attending my first year at a major American culinary school, I was always puzzled to see that an entire wing was cooking on electric ranges. This is strange because no cook worth their salt would ever dream of cooking on anything but gas. Its hard to control and tends to lack BTUs when you really need it. In their defense, these were all flat tops and so they were head and shoulders above a traditional electric range. I guess it was something to do with the amount of gas the town would allow to run onto the property or something. Little explosions V. big ones? I don't know.

Anyhow, the flat tops were repaired or calibrated by the maintenance crew and apparently after being serviced, did not get grounded properly. An unsuspecting student placed an aluminum pan on the range, and then reached for a cold unit door, closing the circuit. The amperage blew the poor guy across the room and stopped his heart. He was taken to the ER. Certainly no debate here about whether or not he needed a Doc. His heart stopped 3 more times before they got him to the hospital.

I was sure that if he survived, I would be returning to a school newly renamed after him, as dictated by the lawsuit. Instead, the poor bastard came back to classes...badly impaired and finished the curriculum. I guess we all must have signed some sort of disclaimer. Wow. The saddest part was that no busy kitchen was likely to hire him in this state. He was messed up. One eye kinda looked out in each direction and one arm hung loosely from his shoulder. He also limped. I can't think of any way to make a kitchen job harder than to start out with disabilities. Poor Kid. It was a real shame.

Stay Tuned for More Tales of the Bruised and Battered...

To Be Continued.